It's time to talk turkey about dating. Your mother will go over these things with you too. Pay close attention, okay? And re-read these letters as many times at it takes until you know each rule by heart. Consider this your ongoing homework assignment from age 12 to 45 (or longer, if needed).
I'm going to share with you a few of my experiences so you'll see why these rules are a good idea, even if they don't sound like much fun sometimes. Trust me, in the long run you'll have way more fun by using these rules than you will by taking shortcuts and getting all lost in the big emotion moments. When you are a beautiful young woman coming into your own, these rules may seem to take forever and be unwieldy (look this word up). They probably won't be the rules your friends are using in their relationships. In fact, your friends will probably tell you not to bother with them. My friends told me the same thing. What I realized later was my friends were wrong and their relationships often turned out badly.
See, the thing is, most people go out into the dating world without knowing how to do it well. They make lots of mistakes and mess it all up. Now, I can't promise your heart won't ever be broken (even with these rules). You will make mistakes. We all do. But by following these rules, your conscience and God's will for your life, you will find the love you're looking for. And you'll be able to give your whole heart to that man.
#1 Treat the young men you meet with respect--even if they aren't your Mr. Right, they are somebody else's future husband.
There will be young men who like you more than you like them. Trust me, even if it isn't happening now, as you grow into a confident, beautiful young woman, men will recognize those qualities and see you as desirable. But you might not feel the same about them. Nobody likes to be rejected.
So, if a young man you aren't attracted to makes a romantic gesture, be gracious. Thank him for his kind attention and let him down easy. Don't embarrass him. Tell him gently, but firmly that you care for him as a friend or acquaintance but your feelings go no farther and that won't change. Tell him you want him to find the right girl for him and though it isn't you, you wish him every happiness and you know he will find her. Whatever you say, don't be wishy-washy (it gives him hope you'll change your mind) and treat him the way you would want to be treated if somebody had to let you down easy.
#2 Allow yourself to be pursued. While dating, refrain from being the pursuer as much as possible.
We're living in an age that values equality between men and women so much that sometimes we get confused on how men and women are supposed to act while dating. Who asks who out? Who pays on the first date? Do we need to bother with the whole chivalry thing?
The answers to the above questions are: He does, He does and Yes! I will explain. It's okay to start a conversation with a young man who has potential. Get to know him in a friendly way. But the first romantic gestures should come from him. The bottom line with guys: if they like you, they treat you with respect and they ask you out. If they don't ask you out, they don't like you (or don't like you enough to do anything about it). Don't waste your time trying to convince the object of your affection that you're worthy of his. A man wants to pursue the beauty. If he doesn't choose to pursue you, then he doesn't see your value. You want the guy that sees how wonderful you are and doesn't need convincing. To become the woman you are meant to be in a relationship, you must be valued! You are worth the effort!
If he demonstrates he values your qualities (not just your pretty face), you may certainly reciprocate (look up this word too) appropriately, if you feel the same. He won't continue if he gets no encouragement. But, make sure that he continues to pursue and woo you. He will enjoy doing so and find you even more desirable because you expect to be treated like a lady.
#3 Define physical boundaries while dating and stick to them.
I know how badly a girl can want to touch or kiss a young man when she starts to have feelings for him. Sometimes, he's all you can think about. In those moments of weakness, when your heart seems to be running away with you, it's crucial you have some clear boundaries in place to protect both of you.
- Touching: Don't. You don't know this young man yet, so don't risk wanting more touching and being so overcome with loving feelings that things go further than you intended. A simple touch leads to a little kiss leads to so much more. And that's just for the girl! For the guy, it can be even more intense. When a woman walks into a room, men are acutely aware of her body. They are hard-wired to notice her every move. Imagine how touching a man you don't know might heighten that awareness and make him uncomfortable. Just because we women can have that effect on men doesn't mean we should. You want a guy to want you for you, not because you put him on sensory overload.
- Dress Appropriately. If a woman can have every man's attention just by walking in the room, imagine the effect she can have in low-cut or suggestive clothing. The first thing she is communicating is sexual awareness of her own body, so is it really a surprise if the attention she receives from men is also sexual? If you want your date to notice and admire you for who you are, dress beautifully, confidently. Show him your value by the way you value yourself. Dressing suggestively indicates you value sexuality more than respect and your date may act accordingly.
- Don't give yourself away. Honor who you are with your body. My dear girl, you are a child of God. You are a precious gift. When you find the man God made for you and you're ready to marry him, you will be fulfilling God's wondrous plan for your life. Trust me on this, you will want to do that with no regrets. Marriage is an incredible blessing. It is also some of the hardest work you will ever do in your life. You don't want to add difficulty to that by making bad choices beforehand.
- A little more on purity: In waiting to have sex until you are married, you will avoid a lot of problems. You won't have to have the uncomfortable conversation with your new husband about how many people you've slept with. Your husband won't ever wonder if he measures up sexually to your previous partners. You won't have to worry about getting tested for a sexually-transmitted disease. You won't have to go into a brand-new marriage with regrets about one night stands, abortion or blending a family because you became pregnant before marriage. You can give yourself to your husband with your whole heart. You can begin your marriage knowing you kept your word to God. Trust me honey, you want that. I know because I made the choice not to wait and experienced some of the things I listed here.
Much Love,
Aunt Green
